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JOKES!
Mar 7, 2003 17:57:13 GMT -5
Post by Copelasmatron on Mar 7, 2003 17:57:13 GMT -5
Aye that was a great one indeed ;D
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JOKES!
Mar 8, 2003 12:30:10 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Mar 8, 2003 12:30:10 GMT -5
Very good indeed!
Saddam got a phonecall for the Norseman Ole. Ole: We will invade you! Saddam: What do you have? Ole: Me, my neighbour, my brother in law and the 5 drunks at the local pub. Saddam: I got 10000 soldiers and 500 tanks. Ole: I'll get back to you.
One week later: Ole: Me again. War is on! I got hold of two tractors and a fishingboat plus I asked a few more people on the block. Saddam: I got now 50000 soldiers, 1000 tanks and 1000 MiG fighters. Ole: I'll get back
One week later: Ole: Me again, War is on! Now I got hold of 100 evil Norsemen, five tractors, two fishingboats and a P-51 Mustang. Saddam: I got 1 000 000 soldiers, 10000 tanks and 2000 MiG:s. Ole: I'll get back
One week later again: Ole: I'm sorry to tell you that the war is off! Saddam: I'm sorry to her that Ole, but could you tell me why? Ole: We have decided we can't feed 1000000 POW:s...
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Metalqueen
Lawn is Nauseous
Metal up your ass
Posts - 40
Likes - 0
Joined - January 1970
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JOKES!
Mar 8, 2003 20:37:25 GMT -5
Post by Metalqueen on Mar 8, 2003 20:37:25 GMT -5
Okay, my turn, my turn (with a eager voice)
A nurse at a mental hospital is on her rounds to check on the patients. When she enters the last room, the male patient stands on the floor with his penis in a bag of peanuts. The nurse screams: "oh my god, what are you doing?" And the wacko says "I`m fucking nuts"
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JOKES!
Mar 8, 2003 21:08:45 GMT -5
Post by Legion on Mar 8, 2003 21:08:45 GMT -5
Great one ;D
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JOKES!
Mar 9, 2003 8:21:36 GMT -5
Post by Bomber on Mar 9, 2003 8:21:36 GMT -5
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel So good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he is on ecstasy!"
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JOKES!
Mar 9, 2003 9:56:21 GMT -5
Post by lutefisk on Mar 9, 2003 9:56:21 GMT -5
Here's the latest news out of Washington...
The Bush administration announced today it will seek congressional approval and United Nations backing for a pre-emptive attack on Norway Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters the CIA has learned that Norway has been stockpiling a weapon of mass destruction, a mysterious substance called "lutefisk."
"As we understand it, Norway has been preparing this material in barrels filled with lye and storing it in stockpiles throughout the country both in urban and rural settings," said Condoleeza "Wild" Rice, national security adviser.
Secretary of State Colin Powell said President Bush will address the United Nations next week, laying down conditions that must be met by the Scandinavian country to avoid a pre-emptive attack, possibly before the Christmas holidays.
"This is simply an extension of the Bush Doctrine, in which it is the policy of the U.S. to identify threats around the globe and get them before they get us," Powell said.
Lutefisk is a substance virtually unheard of in Washington and on the Eastern Seaboard, but is said to be common in certain parts of the Midwest. The FBI branch office in Minneapolis has been alerted to watch for signs of lutefisk production in that region.
In Oslo, Norwegian Foreign Minister Trigve Trondheim was defiant upon hearing of the threatened attack by the United States unless Norway agrees to allow U.N. inspectors free reign throughout the country. "There is certainly no need to allow inspectors into King Harald's palace or country estates," Trondheim asserted. "Why would we hide lutefisk there?" he asked, shifting his eyes.
Experts on the substance disagree on its volatility but most admit it can have widespread deleterious effects on entire populations exposed to it. The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta acknowledged it is "playing catch-up ball" where lutefisk is concerned, but CDA director Dr. Ralph Macabre warned that any substance stored in lye should be regarded as extremely dangerous.
In a brief statement yesterday in the White House Rose Garden, President George W. Bush asserted that the United States will never stand idly by when substances of potential mass destruction are being produced anywhere. "These evildoers are bent on infecting the entire U.S. population with this dangerous substance," the president said. "Unless United Nations inspectors are allowed to determine the extent of lutefisk production in Norway, it is my duty as commander-in-chief of the armed forces to send our brave servicemen and women to Norway to root out sources of lutefisk and destroy them."
Bush said any attack must take place before the Christmas holiday season "when the threat is greatest."
U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, when asked about the peril, said, "Where's Norway?"
Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle of South Dakota noted he is from a part of the country where lutefisk infestations have broken out in the past, often in December. "We've got to act fast," Daschle told reporters, "or millions of Americans could suffer."
Meanwhile, the government was preparing to upgrade its fruitcake warning to code orange. Film at 10.
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JOKES!
Mar 9, 2003 15:16:37 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Mar 9, 2003 15:16:37 GMT -5
When UN checks out the lutefisk in Norway they can stop by here in Sweden to smell our surströmming (fermented baltic herring).
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DUNK
Lawn Killing Metal God
you can"t dance to this it will fuck yer legs up . MHB1798
Posts - 1,658
Likes - 0
Joined - January 1970
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JOKES!
Mar 9, 2003 17:39:59 GMT -5
Post by DUNK on Mar 9, 2003 17:39:59 GMT -5
went to doctors today "Doc can you give me somthing for wind !" "sure" he said And he gave me a kite !!!!!!! bum bum. My ill father has taken too rubbing lard onto his back. he"s been going down hill quickly ever since new sex drug on the market 50% viagra 50% prozac If you don"t get a fuck you don"t give a fuck A"TH A"TH A"THATS ALL FOLKS ;D hold on just remembered this one Went to the doctors the other day and said "I"v got a bit of stomach trouble" The doctor asked "Have you had anything to eat!" "Well I got up this morning had me breakfast ..half a pound of bacon half a pound of sausage half a pound of mushrooms 6 eggs 5 rounds of toast a packet of chocolate buiscuits 3 cups of coffee got to work had 4 chocolate bars 5 packets of crisps3 cups of tea when tea break came I had a bacon an egg sandwich a cheese burger a can of coke an 3 snickers bars for dinner I had fish an chips twice an mushy peas an a donna kebab and 4 pints of milk when I got home my wife had me tea waiting for me eggs beans and mashed potatoes apple crumble and custard and the I went down the club I had 10 pints 6 sausage rolls 4 packets of crisps and I went to make my way home .On the way home I felt a bit pekish so I popped into the Chinees takeaway I had a bit of egg fu yung fried rice an some.." The doctor said "Hold on mate drop you trousers...ho look theres your problem YOU"V ONLY ONE FUCKIN ARSE
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JOKES!
Mar 10, 2003 4:28:04 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Mar 10, 2003 4:28:04 GMT -5
That might have been too offensive when I thought about it, so I removed it, after all I posted it...
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JOKES!
Mar 10, 2003 14:26:48 GMT -5
Post by Copelasmatron on Mar 10, 2003 14:26:48 GMT -5
I think we need to be careful not to tread into territory that some might think is racist, even if it is only a joke. If someone reported it to Proboards they'd delete this board in a flash.
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JOKES!
Mar 30, 2003 20:22:25 GMT -5
Post by Legion on Mar 30, 2003 20:22:25 GMT -5
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker (of course George Lucas didn't have to type when he laid Star Wars down) go to a Chinese restaurant. They order a full dinner and they have this full set of succulent Chinese dishes brought to their table. Obi-Wan starts picking things here and there with his sticks, as quick and agile as every Jedi knight aspires to be, not a single drop of sauce falling on the table. Luke is a disaster, cannot handle the sticks, tries to thread his food with them and drops everything. After a while, Obi-Wan sez: "Use the forks, Luke."
;D
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JOKES!
Mar 31, 2003 12:22:15 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Mar 31, 2003 12:22:15 GMT -5
Soem of you lucky people have recieved some good IKEA jokes in your mail, the pics can not be displayed here due to some reasons. To those who haven't got them: Too bad for you ;D ;D ;D
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JOKES!
Mar 31, 2003 12:27:23 GMT -5
Post by Legion on Mar 31, 2003 12:27:23 GMT -5
Tee hee. Hey you crossed 1000 posts. Kudos to you Jug ;D
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JOKES!
Mar 31, 2003 13:12:41 GMT -5
Post by Copelasmatron on Mar 31, 2003 13:12:41 GMT -5
When does Saddam Hussein have his breakfast?
When Terek Aziz
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JOKES!
Mar 31, 2003 13:30:17 GMT -5
Post by lutefisk on Mar 31, 2003 13:30:17 GMT -5
Why did the chicken cross the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS I missed one
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