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JOKES!
Aug 3, 2002 6:40:51 GMT -5
Post by DIKA on Aug 3, 2002 6:40:51 GMT -5
OK – the weather’s shit (in England anyway) so why not crack some jokes to raise a smile? Here’s my effort – an old one, but a classic…
Mr. Jones pregnant wife’s water breaks so he rushes her to hospital. After a while the doctor comes out the delivery ward to talk to the eager father.
‘Well Mr. Jones, I delivered the child, but I’m afraid there were some complications…’ ‘Complications, what do mean?’ asks a disturbed Mr. Jones. ‘I’m sad to say that although your wife is fine, the child is missing a few parts – limbs etc’ ‘Missing limbs?’ despairs Mr. Jones, ‘You mean my child has no legs?!’
‘I’m afraid it’s worse than that Mr. Jones…’ advises the doctor. ‘Worse? You mean my child has no arms either?’ asks an increasingly concerned Mr. Jones.
‘I’m afraid it’s even worse than that Mr. Jones…’ advises the doctor.
‘Worse than having no arms or legs – what could possibly be worse than that!!’ shrieks the panic stricken father.
‘I think it would be best if you take a look for yourself’ says the despondent doctor, and leads Mr. Jones into the baby ward. They work there way past several new born babies lying in cradles. ‘Where is my child’ asks Mr. Jones. The doctor points him towards a tiny incubator tank in the corner. Mr. Jones peers into the tank and is absolutely bewildered by what he sees – nothing but a single eyeball laying on a pillow…
‘Oh my God!!’ yells Mr. Jones ‘No arms, no legs, no body – he hasn’t even got a fucking head!?!?’ gasps the dejected father.
‘I’m afraid it’s even worse than that Mr. Jones…’ advises the doctor
‘He’s blind as well…’
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JOKES!
Aug 3, 2002 14:55:06 GMT -5
Post by Legion on Aug 3, 2002 14:55:06 GMT -5
Fantastic.
;D
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JOKES!
Aug 4, 2002 15:16:21 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Aug 4, 2002 15:16:21 GMT -5
This one might be a bit offensive but I don't think you'll care...
There was four nuns who all died in an accident, when they came to S:t Peter he asked the first nun if she ever had sin. - Well, she replied, there was this one time, I touched a munks... you know.... - That's not much since you lived the rest of your life free from sin, wash your hand in that well and then you may enter heaven. The second nun was asked the same question and the reply and the procedure was the same... When the third nun stood in front of S:t Peter the fourth nun rushed against the well, and S:t Peter asked What do you think you're doing? I'd thought I'd better rinse my mouth before she puts her ass in the water...
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JOKES!
Aug 5, 2002 9:19:47 GMT -5
Post by Ian_Fuller on Aug 5, 2002 9:19:47 GMT -5
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be telling you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads!" says Tommy
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JOKES!
Aug 5, 2002 14:04:36 GMT -5
Post by DIKA on Aug 5, 2002 14:04:36 GMT -5
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was shagging a chicken...
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JOKES!
Aug 5, 2002 15:17:13 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Aug 5, 2002 15:17:13 GMT -5
There was a nun visiting the doctor 'cos there was an itch in the private parts. The doctor suggested crabs, but the nun was 100% sure that it couldn't be crabs so the doctor took some tests. After he got back the results he said to the nun: You were rioght, it wasn't crabs, it was bananaflies...
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JOKES!
Aug 6, 2002 16:48:16 GMT -5
Post by Copelasmatron on Aug 6, 2002 16:48:16 GMT -5
A man walks into a pub and spots another man sitting in the corner with half a grapefruit for his head. He asks the barman how such a thing could have happened. "It's an interesting story" says the barman, "if you buy him a drink I'm sure he won't mind telling it to you"
Anyway he buys a drink for the guy with half a grapefruit in place of a regular head and says to him "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you end up with half a grapefruit for a head"?
"Ahh" says the strange looking chap "that's a very interesting story. I was walking along the beach a few weeks back and I stumbled across what looked like a magic lamp. I gave it a rub to see if it was and this Genie popped out and gave me 3 wishes. For my first wish" the man continued, "I asked for £10000000 in my bank and that whenever I took out any money it was automatically replaced. I expect you've seen my big golden castle just across the street. For my 2nd wish I wished to be married to Claudia Schiffer and she's in the castle right now, doing the dishes and making me my dinner, naked of course"
He continues relating his strange tale to his new friend.
"And for my 3rd wish, I wished for half a grapefruit for my head"
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JOKES!
Aug 6, 2002 16:59:06 GMT -5
Post by DIKA on Aug 6, 2002 16:59:06 GMT -5
Even better the second time Copey... Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He accidentally bought a warehouse... Another one: A bloke walks into a bar and orders an orange juice. The barman gives it to him and then asks, "How come you're drinking orange juice when normally you come in here and drink 12 pints?" The man replies, "Oh, last night I came in, had my 12 pints then went home and blew chunks!" "That's nothing to be ashamed of," says the barman, "anyone would feel ill after 12 pints" The man cries "No...you don't understand! Chunks is my pet dog!"
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JOKES!
Aug 7, 2002 5:08:31 GMT -5
Post by Legion on Aug 7, 2002 5:08:31 GMT -5
Ziggy Stardust is sitting in a Cafe. There enters the most stunning woman he's ever seen. She eyes him and walks towards him. Ziggy is speechless. She leans towards him and sez: "I'll do whatever you want me to do for 100$, given that you can describe it with no more than three words." Ziggy frantically pulls out 100$, slaps 'em in the woman's hand and sez: "Paint. My. House."
;D
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JOKES!
Aug 7, 2002 13:38:17 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Aug 7, 2002 13:38:17 GMT -5
A nun were on her way home to the convent. The way was rather long and she was tired so she took a short-cut through a park. Suddenly a man jumps out of the bushes and rapes her. Afterwards the man noticed that she was a nun, and he felt a bit guilt of raping a nun, so he asked her what she was going to tell when she came back to the convent. -Well, I have to thell the truth that a man jumped out of the bushes and raped me three times - 'cos you're not tired already are you???
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JOKES!
Aug 7, 2002 15:08:36 GMT -5
Post by DIKA on Aug 7, 2002 15:08:36 GMT -5
Hey Juggernaut - what's with all the nun jokes - it's becoming a bit of a habit... Did you hear the tragic news about the dyslexic bulimic? She choked to death on her own vimto…
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JOKES!
Aug 8, 2002 13:47:25 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Aug 8, 2002 13:47:25 GMT -5
I thought I'd take all jokes I know in a certain topic... All you got to do is wait until I tell stoories about Norwiegans and Rolly tells about Swedes...
-What's the penalty for marrying two girls? -Two mothers in law
Two deaf persons were telling jokes to eachothers. One of the guys laughed so much he almost broke his hand...
Riccardo :vimto???
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JOKES!
Aug 9, 2002 4:46:58 GMT -5
Post by Legion on Aug 9, 2002 4:46:58 GMT -5
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JOKES!
Aug 9, 2002 17:11:43 GMT -5
Post by Copelasmatron on Aug 9, 2002 17:11:43 GMT -5
Vimto is asoft drink
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JOKES!
Aug 11, 2002 7:55:44 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Aug 11, 2002 7:55:44 GMT -5
the diffrence between a hooker and a lightbulb? You can't unscrew the hooker
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