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JOKES!
Aug 11, 2002 8:43:36 GMT -5
Post by DIKA on Aug 11, 2002 8:43:36 GMT -5
A lorry driver was having difficulty satisfying his girlfriend so went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his cabin. He thought about a public toilet, but that was too, well, public. He considered a back alley, but thought that was too unsafe. Finally, he had an idea
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the motorway. He got out and crawled underneath, as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants, lobbed it out and started wanking. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he reached the vinegar strokes and grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What? Who is it?!"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's been playing up."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
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JOKES!
Aug 12, 2002 7:16:29 GMT -5
Post by Legion on Aug 12, 2002 7:16:29 GMT -5
;D ;D ;D
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JOKES!
Aug 12, 2002 13:49:27 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Aug 12, 2002 13:49:27 GMT -5
One night a man decides to take a peak inside his daughters room. And what a sight he saw, his daughter was satisfying herself. The day after, when the family was gathered to have dinner, he took a cucumber and walked through the kitchen, into the livingroom and through the whole house actually, until his wife asked him what the hell he was doing. -Well, I just wanted to show my son in law the house...
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JOKES!
Aug 14, 2002 4:17:57 GMT -5
Post by Ian_Fuller on Aug 14, 2002 4:17:57 GMT -5
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, >they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he >shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is >completely >packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. > >Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the >floor,cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge >enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is >surprised >that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one >that's >so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and >actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to >him... >they >kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy >love. > >After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they >are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and >asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" > >The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
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JOKES!
Aug 14, 2002 9:44:42 GMT -5
Post by Rolly on Aug 14, 2002 9:44:42 GMT -5
Hehehe, very good ;D ;D
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JOKES!
Aug 15, 2002 13:10:50 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Aug 15, 2002 13:10:50 GMT -5
A man was sitting in a bar, drinking and minding his own bussiness. Since he drank a lot and didn't disturb anybody the bartender made sure that he always got his drink. At closing time the man was totally drunk, so when he got off his chair he fell right to the floor. Lyning on the floor he brabed the bar and got up, but as he let go of the bar, he fell again. He crawled to the door and tried to get up there, he got up with some support from the bouncer but fell to the floor again. He decided that he would crawl outside and try again. He got hold of a lamp and tride to get up, with the same reslut as usual. While he was crawling home he tried a couple fo times but fell each time. Finally he was home in his bed. The day after his wife asked him if he was drunk yesterday; - Well he said, not much.... -You liar! They called from the bar and told me that you forgot your wheelchair!
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JOKES!
Aug 15, 2002 14:26:15 GMT -5
Post by DIKA on Aug 15, 2002 14:26:15 GMT -5
QUALITY! ;D ;D
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JOKES!
Aug 15, 2002 14:49:05 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Aug 15, 2002 14:49:05 GMT -5
Before you read this I must warn you all, this is more complicated than it seems to be at first, so don't blame me...
Schizophrenia?
A man went to his psychiatrist. The psychiatrist asked the man what the problem is, and the man replied; I?m becoming a schizophrenian. Well, the psychiatrist replied, I need a bit more information than that. OK, said the man I?ll try to explain. It all began when I met a widow who had a grown daughter. I married the widow and just a month later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my wife and me mother- and father in law to my father. At the same time my stepdaughter became my mother since she was married to my father. Later on, my stepmother, i.e. my wife?s daughter, gave birth to a son. And that son was, of course, my brother since he was my fathers? son. But he was also the son of my wives daughter, i.e. her grandson, therefore am I my brothers grandfather. Then my wife had a son as well, and he became my fathers? brother in law. My sons? stepsister is also his grandmother, i.e. he is her stepsons? child. My father is my childs? brother in law, since his sister is dads? wife. So, I?m brother to my own son, and he?s the son of my grandmother. I am my mothers? brother in law, and my wife is my great grandmother, perhaps even my grandmothers? grandmother. My son is my fathers? nephew, and I am my own grandfather. I am my fathers? brother, and at the same time his father and son. My wife is my grandmother, mother, sister in law, and daughter in law. This makes me my own father and son. Well, said the psychiatrist, in that case I understand.
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JOKES!
Aug 15, 2002 15:08:43 GMT -5
Post by DIKA on Aug 15, 2002 15:08:43 GMT -5
Very funny but I'm totally head-fucked now... Here's a simpler one to ease my poor grey matter: A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Tax Inspector badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Tax inspector." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story is if the Tax Man offers you anything for free, there's always going to be strings attached!
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JOKES!
Aug 15, 2002 16:11:09 GMT -5
Post by Copelasmatron on Aug 15, 2002 16:11:09 GMT -5
Mr Smith has been a bus ticket inspector for 25 years. Now, Mr Smith has always been grumpy with the passengers on the bus, so when a young hoodlum refuses to pay his fare, Mr Smith can't control his rage and throws the kid through the window, killing him in the process. As Mr Smith is subsequently sentenced to be killed by the electric chair and on the night of his execution he is asked for his last wish. Smith asks that he be allowed to hold a banana whilst he is in the electric chair. His wish is granted and he is holding the banana when the switch is thrown. After several minutes, Smith is unharmed and as the punishment has been given and he isn't dead, they decide that they must let him go.
A month later, Smith is back inspecting bus tickets when another young thug refuses to pay his fare. Enraged, Mr Smith throws the kid out of the window and once again the kid is killed and Smith sentenced to the elctric chair. For his final wish, Smith again asks to hold a banana whilst he is being electrocuted. Again he survives unharmed and is released.
6 months down the line Mr Smith is on the buses again when yet again he is confronted by a young trouble maker refusing to pay his fare. Once more Smith takes action and the resulting dead kid causes him to be sent to the chair for a third time. Again, Smith requests that he be allowed to hold a banana whilst he is in the chair. As usual Smith survives the electric chair but this time the guy in charge asks him "you've been to this electric chair 3 times, why can't we kill you?"
SMith replies "I'm a bad conductor"
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JOKES!
Aug 17, 2002 17:14:51 GMT -5
Post by MultipleMike on Aug 17, 2002 17:14:51 GMT -5
A small child walks by his parents' bedroom, looks in, and shakes his head. "And she tells me not to suck my thumb!"
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JOKES!
Aug 17, 2002 17:19:14 GMT -5
Post by MultipleMike on Aug 17, 2002 17:19:14 GMT -5
3 nuns are standing outside the church hall when they begin a conversation.
1st Nun: "I was cleaning father's room the other day, and found a stash of pornographic magazines under his bed!"
2nd Nun: "And what did you do with them?"
1st Nun: "What anyone would do: I threw them out!"
2nd Nun: "Well, I can top that! I was cleaning father's room a couple days ago and found a box of condoms under his bed!"
1st Nun: "And what did you do?"
2nd Nun: "What anyone would do: I poked holes in them!"
The 3rd Nun faints.
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JOKES!
Aug 21, 2002 15:35:38 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Aug 21, 2002 15:35:38 GMT -5
They made a poll in the US during Clinton's affair regarding if the women in the Us would have sex with the president if they got the chance. 13% said No 30% said Yes 57% said No, not again
BTW, Clintons fly is called US Open...
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JOKES!
Aug 23, 2002 4:04:11 GMT -5
Post by Rolly on Aug 23, 2002 4:04:11 GMT -5
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists... two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into he room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
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JOKES!
Aug 25, 2002 14:50:37 GMT -5
Post by Legion on Aug 25, 2002 14:50:37 GMT -5
Quality ;D ;D ;D
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