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JOKES!
Nov 17, 2003 10:51:40 GMT -5
Post by deadmanshand on Nov 17, 2003 10:51:40 GMT -5
A Festive one for Y'all........
Lads, get to the shops, I have seen the ideal present for your wife/girlfriend/mother - Tinsel Tampax!
note - only available for the festive period!
A bloke is driving home from work, and passes a pet shop. In the window he sees a sign reading "Cock Sucking Frogs £20".
He can't believe his eyes so he goes in the shop to ask the assistant if it is true. It is, so he buys one, gets back in the car and drives home.
Outside his house, he tries the frog out, and sure enough gets the best blowjob he has ever had. He goes in his house and gives the box to his wife.
"What the fuck is that", she enquires. ] "It's a cock sucking frog dear"< he replies. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with a cock sucking frog", she asks. He replies "teach it to cook, wash up and iron, and then pack your fucking bags".
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JOKES!
Dec 11, 2003 20:31:41 GMT -5
Post by Legion on Dec 11, 2003 20:31:41 GMT -5
Statistics say a man eats a prune every ten seconds. I don't know who that man is but I know where to find him.
;D
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Mar 4, 2004 14:58:31 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Mar 4, 2004 14:58:31 GMT -5
Three guys were captured by terrorists and held as hostages. As time went and nobody paid ransom for them, they were to be executed. The Terrorist gave the first man three choices: 1. A leathal injection 2. A bullet in the neck 3. HIV virus injected
The first man didn't want a bloody death or a painful one so he choose a injection. And peacefully he fell asleep.
A day went and the next guy was up to meet his creator and he chose a bullet, he wanted it to be fast.
Another day went and the third guy realized that it was his turn to die. Before he was to be executed he asked to be left alone in the bathroom for a minue or two. The terrorists couldn't see why not, since he couldnt escape from there so they let him have his moment of relief.
When he came out he told them that he wanted the HIV virus. They injected him with the virus and he laughed and asked to have another one. And they injected more virus in him and he laughed even harder... "Hit me again!" he shouted and the terrorists let him have another go... One of the terrorists asked the man "Why are you laughing and why do you want us to inject more virus?" He replied: "You are so stupid: I can't be infected, I'm wearing a condom!"
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JOKES!
Mar 5, 2004 14:58:04 GMT -5
Post by DIKA on Mar 5, 2004 14:58:04 GMT -5
Q: How do you keep blonde woman occupied?
A: Give her a sheet of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.
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JOKES!
Mar 5, 2004 16:33:07 GMT -5
Post by Copelasmatron on Mar 5, 2004 16:33:07 GMT -5
A man is driving along the road with 6 penguins in the back of his car. A policeman stops him and says "what are you doing with those penguins? You should take them to the zoo. Now off you go and don't let me catch you like this again"
Next day the same policeman spots the same man with the 6 penguins in the back of his car again, this time they all have sun glasses on. The policeman stops him again and says "I thought I told you you take those penguins to the zoo"
The man replies "I did and today I'm taking them to the beach"
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DUNK
Lawn Killing Metal God
you can"t dance to this it will fuck yer legs up . MHB1798
Posts - 1,658
Likes - 0
Joined - January 1970
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JOKES!
Mar 5, 2004 17:47:24 GMT -5
Post by DUNK on Mar 5, 2004 17:47:24 GMT -5
Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife. About 20lbs
whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband. About 45 minutes
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman! Sexual harassment What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man ! About £2.00 per minute
How can you tell if your wifes dead ! Sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husbands dead Sex is the same but you get the remote control.
What is it called when a woman is paraylsed from the waist down ! Marriage.
What have woman and floor tiles got in common ! If you lay um properly the first time you can walk all over them for life.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90%.
It"s called wedding cake.
And finally for the chicks so they ain"t too pissed by all these
Whats the fastest way to a mans heart ! Straight though the ribe cage with a 6" blade
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DUNK
Lawn Killing Metal God
you can"t dance to this it will fuck yer legs up . MHB1798
Posts - 1,658
Likes - 0
Joined - January 1970
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JOKES!
Apr 26, 2004 18:48:12 GMT -5
Post by DUNK on Apr 26, 2004 18:48:12 GMT -5
M.Jackson today quickly tryed to quosh rumours about him having sex with ENGLAND AND REAL MADRID"S soccer superstar DAVID BECKHAM. "I COULD"NT OF HAD SEX WITH DAVID" He said " I WAS IN BROOKLYN AT THE TIME" ;D
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DUNK
Lawn Killing Metal God
you can"t dance to this it will fuck yer legs up . MHB1798
Posts - 1,658
Likes - 0
Joined - January 1970
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JOKES!
Apr 26, 2004 18:54:46 GMT -5
Post by DUNK on Apr 26, 2004 18:54:46 GMT -5
A MAN STOOD IN THE BEDROOM LOOKING AT HIS NAKED WIFE AS SHE DRYED HERSELF AFTER A BATH
"WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU ALL THOSE YEARS AGO ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TOO SUCK YER TIT"S DRY AND FUCK YER BRAINS OUT......LOOKS LIKE I DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB OF IT" He said ;D
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DUNK
Lawn Killing Metal God
you can"t dance to this it will fuck yer legs up . MHB1798
Posts - 1,658
Likes - 0
Joined - January 1970
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JOKES!
Apr 26, 2004 19:05:13 GMT -5
Post by DUNK on Apr 26, 2004 19:05:13 GMT -5
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DUNK
Lawn Killing Metal God
you can"t dance to this it will fuck yer legs up . MHB1798
Posts - 1,658
Likes - 0
Joined - January 1970
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JOKES!
Apr 26, 2004 19:18:20 GMT -5
Post by DUNK on Apr 26, 2004 19:18:20 GMT -5
A guy who has just had sex with a prostitute said "If I knew you were a virgin I"d have given you 60 quid" The girl replys "If I knew you had 60 quid I"d have taken my tights off"
For North American/ Canadian readers
A Guy who has just had sex with a hooker said "If I knew you were a virgin I would have given you 102 bucks baby" The girl replys "If I knew you had 102 bucks Mack I"d have taken off my pantiehose
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JOKES!
Apr 28, 2004 14:11:46 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on Apr 28, 2004 14:11:46 GMT -5
Nice of you to translate the English to American, Dunk. We want all to understand don't we?
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DUNK
Lawn Killing Metal God
you can"t dance to this it will fuck yer legs up . MHB1798
Posts - 1,658
Likes - 0
Joined - January 1970
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JOKES!
May 13, 2004 17:18:26 GMT -5
Post by DUNK on May 13, 2004 17:18:26 GMT -5
Two guys in a pub getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. "Oh shit!" he says "The wife will fuckin kill me". His mate says "Don"t worry just tuck £10 in your breast pocket and tel your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you £10 for the dry cleaning bill" So they carry on drinking for a while longer. Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time "Where you been ! you reek of booze and you"v spuwed up all over your self you make fuckin sick" Speaking carefully so not to slur he says "Wait it"s not what you think my sweet, I only had one drink but a guy was sick all over me. He"d obviously had one too many or he just couldn"t hold his booze. He was very sorry and gave me £10 for the cleaning bill. Look in my pocket" She looks in his breast pocket and says "But theres £20 here" "Oh, yeah" he says "He shit in my pants too" ;D
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May 13, 2004 17:38:35 GMT -5
Post by Legion on May 13, 2004 17:38:35 GMT -5
Masterpiece ;D
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JOKES!
May 14, 2004 11:30:30 GMT -5
Post by Juggernaut on May 14, 2004 11:30:30 GMT -5
Very good indeed...
Wouldn't work in Sweden though....
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DUNK
Lawn Killing Metal God
you can"t dance to this it will fuck yer legs up . MHB1798
Posts - 1,658
Likes - 0
Joined - January 1970
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JOKES!
Jun 21, 2004 19:02:15 GMT -5
Post by DUNK on Jun 21, 2004 19:02:15 GMT -5
Two nuns walking down a dark ally way when two men hold them at knife piont and begin to rape them. "Ho lord forgive them they know not what they do" say"s one "This fucker does" say"s the other ;D
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