Top 5 Reasons Why Mr McGhee Out Of The Incredible Hulk Is The Stupidest TV Character Ever
Friday, March 10, 2006
I originally intended this to be the Top Five Stupidest TV Characters Ever, but as I started writing one man towered above the rest (and other than Ricky off EastEnders I hadn't got very far). Arise, Jack McGee.
For the uninitiated, Mr McGhee, played by Jack Colvin was the unsung beating heart of the fucking amazing late 70's TV series, The Incredible Hulk. If you're stuck for a visual image, he dressed like a science teacher and looked a bit like Blanche out of 'The Golden Girls'. Anyway, a bit of backstory.
He first appeared in the pilot episode as a reporter from The National Register, a downmarket rag seemingly read by no-one judging by the reactions of startled members of the public to every appearance by the titular green guy. 'My God! What was that huge green thing?' they cried, despite the Register having for 3 years featured front page interviews with people who'd had their cars smashed by 'that huge green thing'.
So McGhee is drawn towards esteemed scientist Dr David Banner's research facility after the first reported sighting of The Hulk takes place near to where Banner's smashed-to-shit car is found. As Banner has only just fucked up his DNA with a massive overdose of gamma radiation, he's none too forthcoming and denies all knowledge of The Hulk ('Mr McGhee, don't make me angry...' etc).
Top and bottom is, Banner's lab explodes, killing his peculiarly sexy colleague Elena Marks. Banner, understandably peeved, Hulks out and drags her from the wreckage. McGhee witnesses The Hulk disappear into the woods cradling her body, and comes to the rather silly conclusion that The Hulk was responsible for the deaths of both Elena and Banner, who, grief-stricken, goes on the run in search of a cure, believed to be dead.
Cue five series worth of torn jeans and trashed walls courtesy of a deaf Italian body-builder painted green, as he is hunted across America by 'investigative' reporter Jack McGhee, who believes the capture of this murderous creature will reward him the vindication he seeeks and possibly a Pullitzer Prize. So what makes him so thick? Well...
Top 5 Reasons Why Mr McGhee Out Of The Incredible Hulk Is The Stupidest TV Character Ever
5. He Knows The Hulk Is Also A Man.
Early in the first season, McGhee finds out, in Vegas of all places that The Hulk is the result of a metamorphosis, which in McGhee's words 'explains how he gets around unnoticed'. Presumably prior to this he thought the angry seven-foot green behemoth in the Tina Turner wig travelled by bus. He christens this man John Doe.
4. He knows John Doe Is About 40, Medium Build, Brown Hair.
As the series progresses McGhee meets John Doe several times, but either his face is obscured or he darts around a corner before McGhee can make a positive ID. From these near misses though, he learns that John Doe is in his forties, of medium build and has brown hair. Not unlike the deceased Dr Banner.
3. He Knows John Doe Is A Scientist.
Combining the evidence of these stolen confrontations and his own Poirot-like powers of deduction, McGhee concludes that John Doe is a man of intelligence, probably a scientist within whose experiments the secret of the transformation lies. Again, a bit like Banner.
2. He Knows The Hulk Has Been Spotted At Several Locations Directly Relating To Banner.
Amongst other things, Jack 'Sniffer' McGhee learns that The Hulk appeared at the home of a former colleague of Banner's, and that he was spotted at Banner's father's farm. He's also witnessed the creature rampaging through various DNA-related research facilities (Banner's field of expertise), and in one episode The Hulk thwarted a gangster who just happened to look identical to Banner (It was one of those classic american TV plots where the hero has a doppelganger. McGhee never got such an episode but if he'd ever appeared in 'The Golden Girls'...).
Alas, little realising how close he'd come to the truth on all these occasion, McGhee would simply light a cigarette, shrug his shoulders and say 'If only I knew how Banner was mixed up in all this...'. Haway, son.
1. He Knows Banner's Body Was Never Found.
See, this is where he starts taking the piss. Either McGhee really is that dumb, or he's been shamelessly milking The National Register's expenses on a spurious flight of fancy for four years.
Yes, McGhee would have us believe that the fire in which Elena and Banner perished was of such a ferocity that Banner's incinerated remains vanished. And then he has the nerve to blame The Hulk for the murder (who would struggle to open a box of matches never mind commit arson) when in fact it was McGhee, hiding in a cupboard like a tit, who knocked over the tin of highly toxic chemical stuff that started the fire in the first place. And therein lies the rub.
Perhaps the severe psychological stress of his accountability drove him to a nervous breakdown. Perhaps he needs to come face to face with Banner to confess and earn closure. Perhaps the entire series is McGhee's projected denial writ large as he wrestles with his guilt.
Or perhaps he's just as thick as a whale's prick.
